If you are supporting a veteran through addiction or PTSD recovery, your own wellbeing matters too, and running yourself empty helps no one. The strain on spouses and family members is real, from secondary stress to burnout to the slide into codependency. There are concrete supports built for you, including VA Caregiver Support, Vet Center family counseling, Coaching Into Care, and peer groups like Al-Anon. Here is how to take care of yourself while you help, and where to find backup.
Loving someone through recovery is quiet, unglamorous work. You hold things together, absorb the hard days, and often put your own needs last without noticing. That can go on for a long time before it catches up with you.
This one is written for you, the family member, not the veteran. Taking care of yourself is not a distraction from helping. It is what makes the helping last.
Key takeaways
- ✓Supporting a veteran in recovery takes a real toll, including secondary stress and burnout.
- ✓Self-care is not selfish. Sustainable support depends on your own wellbeing.
- ✓The VA Caregiver Support Line is 1-855-260-3274, and Coaching Into Care is 1-888-823-7458.
- ✓Vet Centers offer family counseling, and Al-Anon and Nar-Anon support families for free.
- ✓The Veterans Crisis Line serves families too. Call 988 and press 1.
Why does supporting a veteran take such a toll?
Because you are absorbing a lot, often silently. The VA is plain about it, noting that PTSD symptoms can take a toll on family members and that getting along and communicating may be harder than usual.1 Living closely with someone’s trauma and substance use can leave you carrying some of the same distress, a pattern known as secondary stress.
Over time that can build into caregiver burnout, a physical and emotional exhaustion from carrying more than one person can carry alone. It can also slide into codependency, where supporting quietly turns into losing your own boundaries and needs. Naming these is not about blame. It is about recognizing them early enough to get help.
Why is self-care not selfish?
Because a depleted support person cannot sustain the support. The VA tells families directly to take care of themselves and to let other people help.1 That is not indulgence, it is maintenance.
Self-care here is not spa days. It is sleep, your own medical and mental health appointments, keeping a friendship or two alive, and protecting small pockets of your own time. A rested, supported family member is a steadier and more patient one, and you do not have to hit a breaking point to earn the break.
What VA resources exist for family members?
More than most families realize, and they are specifically for you. The VA Caregiver Support Program offers a general support program with education, skills, and peer support, plus a more intensive comprehensive assistance program for eligible primary caregivers.2 The Caregiver Support Line is 1-855-260-3274.2
Coaching Into Care is a free VA phone service that coaches family members on how to encourage a veteran to seek care while respecting their choices, reachable at 1-888-823-7458.3 Vet Centers also provide marriage and family counseling for military-related issues, plus bereavement counseling, through the Vet Center Call Center at 1-877-927-8387.4
| Resource | Contact and purpose |
|---|---|
| VA Caregiver Support Line | 1-855-260-3274. Education, peer support, and help accessing caregiver programs. |
| Coaching Into Care | 1-888-823-7458. Free coaching on encouraging a veteran to seek care. |
| Vet Center Call Center | 1-877-927-8387. Family counseling and referrals, 24/7. |
| Al-Anon and Nar-Anon | Free peer support for families affected by a loved one’s drinking or drug use. |
What peer support exists for families?
Free, judgment-free groups made up of people in your exact situation. Al-Anon holds meetings for the family and friends of someone with a drinking problem, and Nar-Anon does the same for families affected by drug addiction, both with in-person and virtual options.5
There is also the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357, a free, confidential, around-the-clock line that provides treatment referrals and information for individuals and families alike.6 These groups are where a lot of families finally work out the difference between helping and enabling with people who have been there.
How do you set boundaries without abandoning them?
Boundaries are limits on your own behavior, not punishments aimed at the veteran. Something like “I will not ride in the car when you have been drinking” protects you and the relationship without trying to control the other person. That distinction is the heart of it.
The related line is between supporting and enabling. Supporting helps someone move toward recovery, while enabling shields them from the natural consequences of use. It is genuinely hard to tell them apart from the inside, which is exactly what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon help with. Learning about addiction and PTSD also helps, because it lets you read behavior as symptoms rather than as personal attacks.
How can you encourage a veteran who will not get help?
Gently and persistently, and not alone. You cannot force an adult into treatment, and pushing hard often backfires. That is the exact problem Coaching Into Care was built for, coaching you on how to open the conversation and lower the barriers while respecting the veteran’s autonomy.3
In practice, that means using “I” statements, focusing on specific behavior and your worry rather than accusations, offering concrete help like making the first call, and staying patient across many conversations rather than one big confrontation. For where treatment leads once they are ready, our overview of how treatment coverage works can help you both see the path.
What should you do in a crisis?
Act, and use the line that is there for you. If a veteran is in immediate danger, call 988 and press 1 for the Veterans Crisis Line, or call 911. The crisis line serves families and friends too, so you can call about the veteran, and it is free, confidential, and available around the clock.7
If someone is in danger, do not leave them alone, and if it is safe to do so, reduce access to means like firearms and medications. Watch your own signs too. Persistent hopelessness, sleep loss, or withdrawal in yourself are reasons to reach out for your own care, not to push harder.
Our take
You are allowed to be a person, not just a support system
The families we see most often are the ones who gave everything and told no one they were struggling. The recovery world pours attention on the person with the addiction, which is right, but the partner holding it all together needs support of their own, and asking for it is a strength, not a betrayal.
Our business is independent and does not provide treatment or earn anything from referrals. We wrote this for the family member because you rarely get a guide of your own, and because your steadiness is easier to sustain when you are not running on empty.
There is support built for you, too
You do not have to carry this alone. The lines below are free, and several are there specifically for family members.
- See what care your veteran can access and where to begin.
- Understand how treatment coverage works across the system.
- Start at the Recoverion home page to find what fits your situation.
If you or someone you love is in crisis or thinking about self-harm, call the Veterans Crisis Line now: dial 988, then press 1. It serves families too. The VA Caregiver Support Line is 1-855-260-3274. For a medical emergency, call 911.
Questions people ask
My veteran will not get help for his PTSD or drinking. What can I do?
You cannot force an adult into care, but you can call VA Coaching Into Care at 1-888-823-7458 for free coaching on how to encourage him without pushing him away.3
Am I enabling him or supporting him?
Supporting moves someone toward recovery. Enabling shields them from the consequences of use. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon help families tell the difference with people who have been there.5
Is there VA support for me, the caregiver, not just the veteran?
Yes. The VA Caregiver Support Program offers general and comprehensive support, and the Caregiver Support Line is 1-855-260-3274.2
I feel guilty taking time for myself. Is that selfish?
No. The VA tells families to take care of themselves and let others help. Rest and support keep you steady enough to keep showing up.1
How do I set boundaries without abandoning him?
Boundaries are limits on your own actions, not punishments, and they protect the relationship. Peer groups like Al-Anon help you set them with support.5
Can I call the Veterans Crisis Line if I am worried about him but he will not call?
Yes. The Veterans Crisis Line at 988, then press 1, serves families and friends of veterans, not only veterans.7
What do I do if he talks about not wanting to be here anymore?
Take it seriously. Call 988 and press 1, or 911, do not leave him alone, and if it is safe reduce access to firearms and medications.7
I think I am burning out. Where do I go?
Your own therapist, a support group, or the Caregiver Support Line at 1-855-260-3274 are all starting points. Dialing 211 can help you find local services.2
Are Al-Anon and Nar-Anon only for the person with the addiction?
No. Both are specifically for family and friends. They are free and offer in-person and online meetings.5
Does the VA offer counseling for spouses and kids?
Yes. Vet Centers offer marriage and family counseling for military-related issues, plus bereavement counseling, through the Vet Center Call Center at 1-877-927-8387.4
Sources
- VA National Center for PTSD, Help for Family and Friends.
- VA, VA Caregiver Support Program (Caregiver Support Line 1-855-260-3274).
- VA, Coaching Into Care (1-888-823-7458).
- VA, Vet Centers (Call Center 1-877-927-8387).
- Al-Anon Family Groups, al-anon.org; Nar-Anon Family Groups, nar-anon.org.
- SAMHSA, National Helpline (1-800-662-4357).
- Veterans Crisis Line, 988 then press 1.
Recoverion is an independent educational resource, not a treatment or mental health provider. This article is general information, not medical or clinical advice, and is not a substitute for professional care. If you or your veteran is in crisis, call the Veterans Crisis Line at 988 and press 1.